Metroid: Zero Mission

It’s 351ELEC’s game of the moment time again! I’d been wanting to play this one anyway, so it just meant I moved it to the top of the list. I wanted to get into Metroid, because it just seems like the kind of cool thing that I would like, but otherwise I’ve only ever played Metroid Fusion and I ragequat that. Also in order to legally complain about Zero Suit Samus in Smash, I have to play the one game she’s from (wait was she in Other M as well?), so anyway I have all the reasons to jump on in.

What is there to say about it? A lot of things, but I always find the hardest part of writing is starting myself off. I kinda want to say I enjoyed it. Samus’s physics are still not at all what I’m used to from Smash games which I guess is my only other frame of reference, still a bit too heavy (I don’t understand why people say “floaty” to mean any form of “jumps feel weird” when Samus being floaty would solve the issue completely), but either it’s just been a while since I’ve played Fusion or it’s a bit different. It gets better once Samus learns the ability to use her arms to grab ledges, because apparently that’s something you need to learn. There’s quite a few moments where I had to look up a walkthrough to figure out where I’m going, but is that the game being unreasonable, or am I just a dumb shit? It is most certainly the latter. I haven’t been mentally great lately. At least there’s hint statues which show you where to go. For the first half.

The main story is quite short, probably because it is a remake of the first game, which I guess just wasn’t that long. I’m really glad that the environments don’t look boring and actually have backgrounds unlike that first NES game, I guess I would have liked a bit of narration if not simply to know “what’s that weird creature called” or “what’s the significance of Kraid or anyone else, am I just going into some guy’s lair and blowing him up for no reason”, but I guess that’s also intentional to create the feeling of being alone and isolated, which is fine. I probably enjoyed the exploration most, the combat is… part of the game, I guess, it just feels like you press the button and you kill the enemies until they die and try not to take damage but since Samus doesn’t have a good way of dodging anything other than just attempting to jump at the right time that doesn’t work. But there’s something about getting all the items and finding stuff that appeals to me. As well as the opportunity to say “no, game, despite you directing me to go over there, I’m just gonna go over there now because I now have the item I needed to get that energy tank that I saw but couldn’t get at the time”. I like energy tanks.

As for the actual title of this game: It’s my first time experiencing what Metroids are actually like as enemies. Small caveat: They don’t even appear until the last part of the game. Or at least, the last part of the main part of the game, spoilers that aren’t spoilers anymore. Whoa. They’re spooky bois. I didn’t know they were so big. I thought they were as big as your face, but no, they are as big as your body. At least in this game. They even give you a nice spooky cutscene the first time you go into Tourian of a bunch of Metroids eating a dead body or something.

At that point, though, I feel the enjoyment kind of wanes off… Tourian is a really boring level, to be honest, it’s completely linear and there’s just nothing there. Other than the Metroids, which if you’ve read Smash’s trophy descriptions enough to know how to defeat them, end up being kind of annoying after you’ve dealt with a few of them. And other than… circles. I don’t care if the manual or the Metroid wiki says they have a name, those are just bloody circles and I understand on the NES maybe that might be acceptable as an enemy sprite, but come on! Give them some kind of actual design, rather than literally just red circles that come from the walls and ensure you don’t accidentally enjoy Tourian because you have to constantly fight them off. I do not like the circles! I do not fucking like Mother Brain! Not that I thought the bosses were exactly the best part of this game so far, but still… how about you get rid of those stupid circles, and maybe we can call this a fair boss fight, now that she shoots eye beams in this remake. I eventually figured out it’s best to just freeze the two red circles in the room without killing them so there’s less crap to deal with and I can focus on her. And also I… for some reason… stood on the platform she was on, instead of the tiny platform I’m supposed to stand on? And for some reason that just made avoiding all the attacks easier. Why was that even a thing? Why’d I do that? And THEN there’s the infamous escape sequence. Yeah it’s a classic moment but FUCK climbing things in video games. Fuck having to grip onto disappearing platforms and quickly get to the next, it was just stressful rather than exciting, and if Samus actually had air speed it might actually be fun. At least that’s over soon…

But an astute observer may notice that “Metroid” is not the only part of the title. See what they have done here is recognized that Metroid is already the whole name of the NES game, so they’ve used a little trick in media where they put a colon and some more words on the end of the title, which I believe is called a “subtitle”. So if someone never played Brawl or any newer Smash game, they may end up wondering: What’s the zero part? How can a mission be zero? Is that just a complete lack of mission? No. In a moment of diabolus ex machina, Samus is shot down and everything is destroyed other than her zero suit and pistol, just because fuck you. Oh well, at least this part of the game should be cool and fun, right?

No.

It’s not that there’s a lack of combat here, since I already thought that was a bit average. I was prepared for a completely different moveset or whatever. No, she just has one thing with her pistol, and it also just doesn’t really do anything. It does stun the enemies for like less than a second when it’s fully charged (which it never will be if you try to actually use it), so yeah it’s effectively useless. If you were expecting the ability to kick people, think again. If you think you can outrun people… well, maybe you could except the only enemies that appear in this part are ridiculously fast and follow you into rooms and are basically the most dangerous enemies you’d encounter in the game at all. It’s meant to be a stealth segment but it also does everything wrong about stealth. There’s just genuinely not a lot you can do about avoiding enemies, not much you can do to outmaneuver them, whaddya do? Just keep running around until you get lucky, honestly. There’s a few points where it seems to literally be designed for it to be impossible for an enemy to not see you… also, the thing is with the alarm being set off is that you cannot progress. They have gates that close on you. Just to make sure you don’t accidentally enjoy this part by just running for your life to the exit.

I mean yeah traditionally I have always sucked at stealth in video games (I’m not even a “go in guns blazing” type of player so I don’t know why) and have never enjoyed one before, so I guess I shouldn’t think this would be any different, right? But fucking hell. I was really fucking ready to throw in the towel on this game completely, all because of this part. I was just ready to give up, and I only managed to beat the game eventually because… I tried again, and this time I got absurdly lucky and got 3 enemies chasing me to all shoot each other with their lazer at the same time and die. Somehow. Which stops the alarm. Uhh… sure. Game design. Yes. Rest of the game is you becoming superpowered and taking down a fairly easy boss, no spoilers but no worries.

I don’t want to be a fucking angry gamer, especially as I was enjoying so much of it so far. But fucking hell. This honestly hurt me on a personal level. Can I do anything right? Like actual for real, in real life, am I that fucking useless that I can’t be good at a single game that isn’t something explicitly for kids or whatever (and even then)? Can I enjoy one fucking thing? Can I be good at life skills that aren’t video game related, for that matter? Well… no, which is why I want to use games as escapism so I can at least win at those when I keep getting beaten down by life, but no, apparently I suck at every single fucking one too. All of them? It was a bittersweet feeling after finally finishing the game, and I guess I talked a lot about “wow! I actually did it” because I actually did something at all in my life for once. Can I say I enjoyed it overall, because I almost did, but then went through the worst experience I’ve had in a while?

I honestly don’t know. I have a list of “cool games I’ve beaten” to collect stats and I’m still being indecisive after a week over whether I want to put Zero Mission in there or not. I honestly for the life of me cannot tell if I just really disliked the zero suit part of the game, or if I was just Going Through It™ mentally and couldn’t tolerate it as much as I otherwise could if I replayed the game later. Will I play this game again? I don’t know. I certainly could, there’s more secrets to get and I’m all about collecting stuff.

I think the most thoughts I can have is that… yeah this game is cool UP UNTIL Tourian. Can just stop playing at that point honestly. Beat Ridley boom whatever go get the rest of the stuff, but like once you get there, it’s just not the same game anymore. If there’s enjoyment it’s a different kind of enjoyment. I really wish they did more with the ZSS concept, honestly feels like they completely wasted it on a stealth segment towards the end of the game. What if it was a bonus mission where you just play some more levels but without your various firearms and you take more damage but you’re faster instead? What if there were some enemies that the taser was actually worth using against? What was the point, really? Why bother creating a new level and a new sprite and all that for a segment where you just can’t do anything? I don’t get it. At least I can complain if ZSS does anything at all in Smash though, because she shouldn’t be able to do it according to the source material.